My husband is lazy, he's a sports addict and only thinks of himself 90% of the time. I have tried talking to him about how I need his help to keep the house clean and cook meals etc. We both work full time, we both have demanding jobs %26amp; work schedules that vary by the day and at a moments notice. Every time I try to talk to him he says I'm attacking him and he just shuts down, he gets defensive and refuses to talk and it turns into a big fight. So how do I talk to him about his laziness and get his help without making him feel like I'm attacking him?
Case in point- we both often get home late, when he comes home (usually about 15 min before me) he'll change clothes and go straight to the couch with the remote and laptop, I come in take the dog out to do her business and then change, cook dinner and try to clean or what have you before bed. In the mornings he usually will wake up to take the dog out then go back to bed but once I'm awake she's my responsibility, then I have to cook lunch and take care of the household chores before work. All he handles other than maybe two potty times a day for the dog is he's the one who pays the bills because he's better with money than I am, even though I pay about 4 of them myself because otherwise he'll forget to pay them.
Case 2-in the four years we've been together he's never once cooked for me, I once got a peanut butter sandwhich but he's never cooked a single meal and refuses to learn how to even boil water.
Case 3-it's my fault if he's out of clean uniforms or underwear.
Case 4 while I cook or clean he watches ESPN and checks sports blogs online. He's ALWAYS watching ESPN or some game and/or on the internet looking at sports things, I'm glad it's not porn but at this point, I don't see how theres much of a difference since he'd rather watch a game than make love.
How do I talk to him about all of this?
Thanks in advance!How do I talk to my husband so that he doesn't feel like I'm attacking him?
I just studied this book, and found lots of ways to talk...it's centered around the principle which I mention below. I can't write as well as the author, so I only said the title.
Just trying to answer you with what I just learned and also what I've learned from experience. I'm sorry you think I'm a jerk....perhaps that's part of the problem? (That you don't take ANY responsibility yourself but think ';it's all the other person's fault';? Just a thought for you to consider.)
I think you should get your hands on the book ';Love and Respect'; by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs...that explains a lot.
Do not talk to him about his ';laziness'; or try to get his help. Instead, you need to show him RESPECT. If you're showing him respect, and if you're also a good-willed person, then he will bend over backwards for you. Men normally love to protect and provide for their woman, but you have to do your part FIRST!How do I talk to my husband so that he doesn't feel like I'm attacking him?
Who said it's YOUR respsonsibility to cook,clean, go to the store, etc.? He doesn't help you with these things because you're doing them for him and he doesn't know the value because he hasn't done them before. Trying to get him to invest in something that has no value will be a no go and he'll get defensive. What would happen if you weren't in the picture? I'm not saying that you have to leave but stop doing all of these things. Run out of groceries and serve mustard sandwiches. He'll become invested. When he notices and asks why you haven't done something respond with ';Who said it was my job? I'll get to it when I get to it. I'm busy.(turn on tv) If it's that important to you then you should do it.';
There's a fantastic book called ';Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High'; that might be helpful. It gives step-by-step tips for figuring out the core issue you want to solve (like instead of saying he doesn't cook, maybe you want him to be affectionate and do things for you) and how to present those issues in a non-threatening way. Lots of step-by-step, charts, etc. to make it easy.
Good luck.
Ask him what he would do if there was no sports? Ask him if he loves you? Ask him if he likes the sex he gets? Then tell him that you need help around the house, on what ever needs to be done. I love my sports too, but I also help my wife. A lot of time I will record some of my sports and look at them latter when things are done. It is not because he thinks he is being attacked by you, he just wonts to do what he wonts to do, not what you wont him to. Sorry but that is the way most men are. I hoped I helped, maybe you can use some of what I said and give you some ideas.
Sigh. Lazy husbands. Very common. I think its a throw-back to when we women used to stay home, bake cookies, raise the kids, take care of our husbands needs and generally put ourselves last. Trouble is, times have changed and now that its the norm for we women to be working full time, husbands havent seemed to catch onto the idea that if both partners are working full time, then BOTH partners should be responsible for household chores. Your husband DOES sound lazy and selfish, and im sure he knows exactly what you're getting at, thats why he gets defensive and argumentative when you raise the subject, because he knows youre right, but he would rather argue the point than get off his lazy butt and help out. His lazy habits definitely have the potential to destroy your marriage, so the way I see it you have 3 choices at this time: 1) ignore it, maintain status quo, and just put up a lazy husband, or 2) decide you've had enough of your husband and marriage and end the relationship, or 3) decide you've had enough of the current situation and insist that you both attend marriage counselling to learn to understand each others needs and wants and your ';relationship rules'; as to how to run a fair and happy home.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd choose option 3, because I'd rather try to fix it than walk away or just put up with it as it is. If my husband refused marriage counselling and made no effort to take responsibility in our home and share chores and cooking, I'd probably end the marriage with a year. I didnt get married to be my husband's domestic slave.
How do you talk to him about all of this? Well ... you don't. Talking isn't the only way of solving problems and dealing with situations, hon. You've already talked anyway, right?
Well ... the bad news is that you're in the situation as it is now.
Before I offer a solution to your situation (which I have, I promise), I have a few insights that I hope will be helpful. This will probably end up a long post, but I hope that you will see things a little differently, and get a new perspective on why men are the way they are.
A word about how people treat us: We are treated the way that we allow people to treat us. For some reason known only to him and to you, he thinks it's perfectly fine that you cater to him (your words), and for you to be at his beck and call. In a way, we 'train' people how to deal with us, so since you've trained him to treat you this way, you can re-train him. That's the good news.
Regarding his spending so much time on the computer and watching sports and things like that: Men use the computer as an escape, which begs the question: What is he escaping from? If you sincerely believe that he would rather watch a game than get hot n' sweaty with you, then what are you not doing to improve the situation OTHER than what you've already tried? You need a new approach, because clearly what you're doing now to improve things isn't working, and ... you can't live like this forever, and neither can he.
Now ... men are at heart, very simple creatures. Basically, in a nutshell, they need sex, food, and comfort. When they marry us womenfolk, from that day on until one of us dies, they come to us for approval, for support, for comfort, for affection and for love. Over the time you've been married, less and less of that has become acceptable, which is why you're where you are now. It's like weight gain ... at first, it's just a few pounds, and then it's a few more, but we think 'no biggie, I'll just get bigger jeans' until before we know it, it's a whole 25 or 30 lb we've gained. So now, your marriage is overweight, and you need a plan to get back on track.
Since you're the one in here, I will address YOU, and what YOU can do to make things better.
The good news is that women have all the power and control in a relationship. If the wife is happy, the home is happy. You CAN turn this around. See if these suggestions might be useful and of help to you:
How long has it been since you've felt like his girlfriend? How long has it been since you've acted like his girlfriend? Remember those days, when you couldn't wait to see each other?? Remember when you couldn't keep your hands off of each other? In your head, think of him like that, and treat him like that for a little while, and watch what happens.
In concrete and specific terms, this is what I want you to do: When is the last time that you walked over to him, out of the blue, sweetly put a hand on his face, looked at him and told him how much you love being his wife, and that he's the only man for you, and that you couldn't imagine your life without him in it? How often do you send him a hot text message telling him all about his [pick a body part] and what you plan to do with it tonight? Do you ever surprise him in the shower, telling him that it's so strenuous to wash ones own back, and that you are here to make sure he doesn't hurt himself while you help him wash his back? *wink* When he gets home from work, when is the last time that you greeted him at the door with a little make-up on, your hair done up, wearing just a smile, or less than fully clothed? How often do you ever walk over to where he is, put your arms around him and just hug him? I mean a long, tight, warm hug, and when he's all wrapped up in how good your smell, have you ever told him how much you appreciate him for all that he does for the family as a husband, and as a man? When is the last time that you two had a kiss that lasts longer than 30 seconds that had nothing to do with sex? Tomorrow before he goes to work, make a point to kiss him g'bye, and I mean really kiss him so that he feels it. (If he's slightly late, then don't do it then. Wait til he has an extra minute, but DO THIS! It's important.) I'm asking you to love him up more, be more sweet, be the girlfriend again. Show him appreciation for letting the dog out by walking over to him, giving him a long sexy kiss and a little grope in the middle of it. How often do you send him a hot text message saying how amazing he was last night, and that he's your sex god? Remind HIM why he loves YOU. Remind HIM why YOU love HIM. Be more playful. Next time he lifts anything more than 5 pounds, say to him something like 'Ooooh look at those muscles. God, you look hot when you do that,' with a wink and a sexy smile.
When men feel like they are the most important thing in our world, they will walk over burning coals to bring us a lemonade. Yes, it takes some effort, but so what !! It's FUN to flirt, isn't it? It sounds like you've forgotten how to do that, but you'll remember.
The catering to him has to stop, though. Just do less. Ask for his help more. 'Baaaby ... can you help me with the ...' and when he comes over, give him another one of those long, deep sexy kisses and then show him what you want him to do. The more you kiss him, the more likely he'll be to jump up for the kiss AND to help his wonderful girlfriend with something. 'Sweeeetieee, can you please put the clothes into the dryer and set it for 40 minutes on high, honey? Thank youuuu.' and the next time you're in his presence after he does that, make sure that you show him due appreciation. Yes, this is like training an animal, but men are animals, so it's all good.
Now, it may seem like you're already the one doing all the work so why should you take on all of this stuff, too ... but that attitude will only make things worse. YOU have to take charge and accept partial responsibility for letting things get this bad. If you do your part, trust me that unless you married a cold-hearted jerk with no soul, who is already ready to leave this marriage, your guy WILL turn around. Once he is reminded of the fun you had and of what a wonderful GIRLFRIEND you are, he'll start doing more to keep you happy.
Give this a try for a week, but it can't be false. You have to sincerely do this with your whole heart, because your marriage really is at stake here. When a guy would rather watch a game than have a boink, that's a really bad sign. It doesn't get much worse than that ... so, do this. Be playful. Have fun! Yes it's work, but the rewards of having a happy husband are priceless !! YOU have more control over this than you think. Just start exercising it better.
*big hug* and best of luck to you both, hot momma :D
P.S. There's a book called 'The Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands' which I can't recommend enough.
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